crabs
31-01-2006, 10:21 AM
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends,
Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the
mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Jaysus, he's burnt
pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician
thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean into
identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Feck me,
he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him
over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said,
"Well,Paddy had two ar**holes." "What, he had two ar**holes???"
said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two ar**holes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say,
'Here comes Paddy with them two ar**holes....'"
************************************************** **************
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name of
the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are
therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily,
"You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with
more
intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in
a Fiat Uno."
************************************************** ***************
Following a night out with a few friends, an Irish man brought them
back
to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were
rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of
the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you jerk, don't you know it's
twenty to two in the fecking morning!!"
************************************************** ****************
A young Irish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over
2 other female friends, In addition to my fiancée and you try and guess
which one I'm going to marry". The next day, he brings 3 beautiful
women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat
for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to
marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like
her."
************************************************** ***************
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said,
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You b*stard!" The judge continued,
"You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a
spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You ****ing b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the
back
of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these
outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!
Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up
and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard.
And every time I asked to borrow a ***ing spanner, he said he didn't
have one!"
************************************************** ***************
A Irish man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it,
he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking
that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies,
"I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking
attractive,
I'll go home."
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends,
Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the
mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Jaysus, he's burnt
pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician
thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean into
identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Feck me,
he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him
over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said,
"Well,Paddy had two ar**holes." "What, he had two ar**holes???"
said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two ar**holes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say,
'Here comes Paddy with them two ar**holes....'"
************************************************** **************
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name of
the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are
therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily,
"You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with
more
intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in
a Fiat Uno."
************************************************** ***************
Following a night out with a few friends, an Irish man brought them
back
to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were
rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of
the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you jerk, don't you know it's
twenty to two in the fecking morning!!"
************************************************** ****************
A young Irish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over
2 other female friends, In addition to my fiancée and you try and guess
which one I'm going to marry". The next day, he brings 3 beautiful
women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat
for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to
marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like
her."
************************************************** ***************
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said,
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You b*stard!" The judge continued,
"You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a
spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You ****ing b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the
back
of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these
outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!
Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up
and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard.
And every time I asked to borrow a ***ing spanner, he said he didn't
have one!"
************************************************** ***************
A Irish man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it,
he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking
that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies,
"I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking
attractive,
I'll go home."